How Was School?

It’s been a while since I have written about dinnertime conversations with your children (CLICK HERE).  Recently, particularly in light of the frequency of school shootings and cases of sexual abuse, as parents, we simply need to know more than just our child’s academic progress and a casual question, “How was school?”.

Dinnertime conversation when we talked about what happened in school each day was a staple as I grew up.  Each day my mother, father, brother, and I sat down for dinner together and talked–no smart phones, no iPads/tablets, no TV.  Importantly, Heide and I made it an essential element in our son’s life also while he was growing up.   My wife and I would routinely ask “How was school?” and we would ask followup questions to assure that all was well.  Those conversations were a window into his universe and provided us with greater understanding of his successes and challenges, both academic and interpersonal.

How children view school, their relationships with peers, teachers and other adults, their acts of kindness, compassion and happiness, knowing who their friends are, etc. are too important for us to be unaware.

I recently read an article that I want to pass on listing “25 Ways to Ask Your Child “So how was school today?” Without Asking “How was school today?”  I was impressed that the list is a thoughtful set of questions whose answers give you insight into your child’s views, feelings, self-concept, and interactions with others.  It’s a simple list of questions but, if you have a school-age child or grandchild, the questions gives you a lens through which to view your child’s school day interactions.

Although there are other such articles/lists available on the web (e.g., 50 Questions …), I think the article above is a good place to start (you can click on the link above).  It’s not necessary to ask all of the questions each day but probing more than just “How’s school?” will give you ways of viewing your child’s school life

Posted in Bullying, Cyberbullying, Dinnertime, Home School Relations, Parent Involvement, Parenting, Role Model, School Quality, Uncategorized | Comments Off on How Was School?

Lollipop Bait: Never lose sight of your child

The following video was shared by a friend on Facebook and I thought it so important that I wanted to post it here.  Please watch and learn the lesson it teaches….

Lollipop Bait

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Poor schools? Parents need to step up to the plate…

HomePlateby Steven A. Melnick – You can’t help hearing that our schools are failing.  All you need do is tune into the evening news, pick up a newspaper, or listen to talk radio.  The outrage is everywhere and the blame is being placed squarely on teachers, administrators, and what is perceived to be a dysfunctional system.  When commentators like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Glenn Beck talk about falling test scores in some of our most troubled schools, sadly, they are not wrong.  However, every critic of the schools continues to miss a very important part of the equation–the impact of parents on a child’s education and achievement.  Let’s take a close look at the impact that parents have on failing schools.

The Baltimore Education Research Consortium (February 2011) identified four predictors at grade six of future dropouts.  The indicators include:  chronic absence (missing 20 or more days per year), failing grades, overage for grade, and suspension from school for three or more days.   While some of these indicators are improving, the “improved” numbers are still alarming.  For example, the class of 2007 had a chronic absence rate of 32.4%…nearly 1/3 of all students missed at least 20 days of school.  That rate has fallen to 18.6% for the class of 2015 but we’re talking about kids in grade 6…12 year olds.  Where exactly are they if they aren’t in school?  In other cities, some high schools report daily absentee rates of 30% or higher for students in grades 9 through 12.  Is it the teachers’ or administrators’ fault?

Is it any wonder that schools are suffering from low scores on standardized tests when up to 30% or more of the students are absent?  If you were running a factory and 30% of your raw materials were missing each day, what do you think the quality of the product would be that you produce?

Ultimately, whose fault is it that students are not attending school?

Erne Duncan, Secretary of Education, testified to Congress recently that 82% of American schools may be labeled as “failing” this year under the No Child Left Behind Act guidelines.  Of course, the spin on that is that our schools are in terrible shape.  The fact that the very system used to evaluate “failing” schools may not be accurately reflecting the reality gets lost in the media headlines.

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Discipline: Yes, No, and Other Choices

family_barbecue

Recently I attended an event with a group of friends that was family-oriented–children, parents, grandparents alike.  About 20 of us gathered for a picnic where each family contributed the usual potato salad, cheese dip, chips, crackers, along with some more substantive hot dogs, hamburgers, etc.  We all helped ourselves from the ample buffet spread out on the picnic table, sat in a circle on the grass or folding chairs and enjoyed each other’s company.  It was mostly folks in their 50s and 60s with some of their grown children and a few grandchildren sprinkled in enjoying an afternoon of beautiful weather and pleasant conversation. Our enjoyment was fleeting.

Sally, a very spoiled 6-year old, had been fussing all day about one thing or another–it was too hot, it was too cold, why can’t we go swimming, I want the ball that other kid has, I want to play in traffic…  The parents, in soft pleading voices, would tell her they “…really didn’t think that was a good idea,” or they “…would prefer she didn’t.”  Never once did they actually say, “No.” Never once did they offer her an alternative choice. As this scenario unravels (and unravel it did), the behavior was disrupting conversation among the adults trying to enjoy the afternoon outdoors and long ceased to be “cute.”

I watched in amazement while Sally got herself a plate and, with her parents’ passive consent and while everyone watched, went around the picnic table literally plopping some of everything on her plate.  I don’t mean a simple taste.  It was enough food to feed a professional wrestler on a carb binge.  But to no one’s surprise, the parents said nothing.  Sally, while trying to balance the heavy plate, wobbled over to her mother sitting in a folding chair and started crying that she wanted to sit in a “big person’s chair” rather than at the table set aside for the children. Of course, all conversation in the circle stopped once again as the child threw yet another tantrum.  The group was becoming visibly irritated.  The parents tried to reason with Sally and threatened to make her go take a nap if she didn’t stop.Everyone there, including Sally, knew it was an idle threat (although we were all secretly hoping).

But the coup de grace came when Sally didn’t get her way and purposely dumped the entire plate of food on the ground in a huff.The adults gasped collectively and the parents finally realized Sally’s behavior was not only inconsiderate and disrespectful to the group, but embarrassing to the parents.Much to everyone’s relief, Sally’s mother walked her away from the group for nap time.Astoundingly, they were both back within 5 minutes because “Sally didn’t want to nap.” and her mother let her sit in a “big person’s chair” to keep her quiet.

Sally learned an important lesson that day.  Can you guess what it was?

Sometimes I simply stare in wonder as I see how some parents demonstrate time and again that they have no control over their children.  Keep an eye out for children in the grocery store and I’d wager you will see at least one case of a child crying and fussing about something they want and were simply told “No.”

Saying “No” is important and, if said, should be adhered to.  But most such situations can be avoided by anticipating them and simply offering children a limited number of choices before any fussing starts.  If only Sally’s parents had said, “No, we can’t go to the pool, but we could go over to the pond and skip stones or go for a walk in the woods.”  The fussing child in the grocery store could be handled better by saying on the way into the store, “You can pick one thing (or toy or candy bar or…)…whatever you want as long as it costs less than [pick a number].  You pick.”  More often than not, they will pick a toy or candy bar and feel good about having had the choice.

Children need routines and boundaries, but as they learn to assert their independence and discover who they are as individuals, they need limited choices.

 

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“How was school ?” and other dinnertime conversation

FamilyDinnerby Steven A. Melnick – When my brother and I were little, you could almost set your watch by when we sat down to eat dinner.  Each evening, when Dad returned from working in the steel mill, dinner was on the table at 4:30pm, promptly.  It was an early dinner time to be sure because Dad got up each morning at 4:45am to go to work.  But it also gave us time to go outside and play in the neighborhood after dinner while it was still daylight and run off some of those calories.  Many of the families in our neighborhood did the same.  Dinnertime was planned each day and the family gathered around the table for good food, conversation about the day’s events and about life.  It was a time to eat, talk, and bond as a family and it seemed like a natural part of our childhood.

As an adult, dinnertime continued to be an important part of our day.  While our son was growing up, my wife, son, and I sat down to eat together each morning for breakfast and each evening for dinner.  Whether it was a carefully prepared home-cooked meal or simply pizza or other take-out food, the important thing was we sat down as a family—regularly—and enjoyed a meal and pleasant conversation.  It was a time to talk about the day’s events, our plans, our hopes, our dreams.  It was an important time to stay in touch with each other’s lives.  To this day, our son still smiles (he’s 34 now) as I say slowly with a raised eyebrow, “How was school?”, a question often asked at the dinner table.  Because I was a teacher in the same school district, he was never quite sure whether or not I knew something about what might have happened that day.  He was an incredibly honest child who told the truth.  But like any young child, he’d rather avoid talking about any trouble he may have gotten into at school if possible.  When I’d ask the question, he was never quite sure if I already knew!  But our conversations weren’t limited to school.  We talked about our interests, activities, friends, joys, hopes, and disappointments.

Although it always just seemed like the right thing to do, as it turns out, eating dinner together was good for us!  Researchers have shown time and again that family dinnertime is an important predictor of some very positive social, psychological, and emotional outcomes.  Research show us that children who regularly sit down with family at dinnertime:

  • Are typically healthier
  • Eat better diets
  • Are happier
  • Have better communication skills
  • Are often closer to their parents and confide more
  • Parents are usually more aware of subtle changes in behavior that could signal growing problems
  • Preschoolers who eat together with family develop better language skills
  • Quality of mealtime conversation is a strong predictor of children’s language and literacy development.

Our dinner table conversations have fostered a life time of communication.  Even though he now lives 2 ½ hours away, my son and I still have father/son talks on the phone each day.  Now isn’t that worth having meals together while their young?

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McBesity: Who’s to blame?

McBesityby Steven A. Melnick — There is no question that childhood obesity is on the rise and it has serious consequences.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m all for making school meals healthier.  At school, for example, children are a somewhat captive audience when it comes to cafeteria food and we need to offer the very best choices.  But at home, parents need to make good choices on behalf of their children. In that light, I think the recent action by the San Francisco Board of Supervisors is simply ridiculous.  By an 8-3 vote, the Board decided to substitute their judgement for that of parents by voting to ban any meal that included a kid’s toy and didn’t meet their specific nutritional requirements.  This action is arguably targeting McDonald’s Happy Meals.  The new requirements are:

  • Calories: Less than 600
  • Sodium: Less than 640 milligram.
  • Fat: Less than 35 percent of calories from fat; Less than 10 percent from saturated fat (with exception for nuts, seeds, eggs or low-fat cheese).
  • Fruits & Vegetables: At least half a cup of fruit or three-quarters of a cup of vegetables

As admirable as that goal is, we have sadly become a culture that sheds responsibility in order to lay blame on others.  Fast food doesn’t make you fat; eating too much fast food does. And actions such as San Francisco’s is yet another example of legislating parental decisions that belong in the home.  Are we really so weak-willed as parents that there needs to be laws to feed our children well? It really isn’t the fault of McDonald’s that 83% of the parents of young children take their kids to McDonald’s at least once a week.  It is the parent’s choice.  Not McDonald’s and not the child’s.  Call me crazy or naive, but I haven’t seen too many 8-year olds take the car keys and drive to McDonald’s for a Happy Meal by themselves.  As parents, we need to make the healthy choices for our kids. Do we really need legislation to force us to do so?

Having your kids eat a healthy diet merely takes a commitment to do so. The American Heart Association (AHA) dietary recommendations, endorsed by the American Academy of Pediatrics, are fairly straightforward and can be easily found online and in print.

The general dietary recommendations of the AHA for those aged 2 years and older stress a diet that primarily relies on fruits and vegetables, whole grains, low-fat and nonfat dairy products, beans, fish, and lean meat.  Specifically, the AHA pediatric (age 2 and above) include:

  • Balance dietary calories with physical activity to maintain normal growth
  • 60 minutes of moderate to vigorous play or physical activity daily
  • Eat vegetables and fruits daily, limit juice intake
  • Use vegetable oils and soft margarines low in saturated fat and trans fatty acids instead of butter or most other animal fats in the diet
  • Eat whole grain breads and cereals rather than refined grain products
  • Reduce the intake of sugar-sweetened beverages and foods
  • Use nonfat (skim) or l0w-fat milk and dairy products daily
  • Eat more fish, especially oily fish, broiled or baked
  • Reduce salt intake, including salt from processed foods

We should stop blaming places like McDonald’s and take responsibility for the choices we make as parents.  McDonald’s wouldn’t be in business if you weren’t going there.  Make good choices and see to it your child eats healthy.

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Why the Arts Matter…

PaintingEaselby Steven A. Melnick — Frank was a student who wasn’t terribly interested in school but seemed to enjoy the social aspects of it and getting into a little mischief now and then.  He exuded a kind of macho persona and had a certain energy about him.  He was a likable kid who attended school daily, was generally respectful of the teachers, but academic work just didn’t excite him and he never quite seemed interested in learning.  His teachers seemed to like him and they could see the potential buried deep inside.  They just couldn’t quite figure a way to reach him as he was usually non-involved and often had a quick comment in class to get a laugh.  At times he was antagonistic, but mostly he simply meandered through the school year.

That year, there was a pilot course being offered by his school that integrated the arts into social studies.  The course used the arts as a lens through which to view concepts in social studies.  It was an elective, and much to everyone’s surprise,  Frank readily jumped in.  The teachers wondered what possessed him to take the course as it was so unusual of him but they welcomed him with open arms.  In the end, it was an eye-opening experience for both Frank and the teachers involved.

The one talent Frank had going for him was his interest in art.  Among the students enrolled in this elective course, Frank was the only student who also had elected to take a class in the visual arts.  This art course helped Frank to develop some technical understanding, refinement of skill, and factual information which the other students in the humanities class did not possess.  No one thought much about the fact that Frank was taking both courses, as most of the teachers’ interactions with him dealt with trying to interest him in the humanities project and not in amusing the other students.

But one day, teachers and classmates alike, suddenly saw a new Frank who was engaged and knowledgeable.  As the students struggled with making certain connections between visual art and literary art, Frank began to use vocabulary concepts such as “analysis” and “interpretation” about works of art, and helped the class to understand.  From that time forward, other students began to seek him out, asking for his help.  Frank became even more engaged as the realization set in that he was “good at something.”  What he was previously able to do only in his art class now had application to other aspects of his life.  To everyone’s astonishment and delight, for the first time Frank began to take his academic work seriously.

At the end of the school year, I had the pleasure to interview Frank and talk about his experiences during the year, specifically about the elective arts-integrated course.  He was an engaging young man who seemed to have metamorphosed over the course of a year.  He proudly displayed some of the work he had done throughout the year and readily talked about how that work connected both social studies content and the arts.

At one point, I said, “Frank, you seem to be more involved in this course that you’ve been in previous courses.  What’s the difference?”

He smiled for a brief moment and said, “You know, in most other classes I’ve ever taken the routine was the same.  We’d sit bored in class for a week or two, study for a test, spit back the answers everyone knew were being asked for, and then I’d forget it all as we moved on to the next topic. ”

I nodded knowingly as I saw that picture in my own experience.

Frank quickly explained, “But this…this I remember everything we did from the beginning of the year.”

It was an amazing transformation.  By the end of the year, this macho kid who mostly couldn’t have been bothered with school, got up on stage in front of his entire school–in tights no less–and performed along with a local ballet troupe because it connected to what they were learning.

The success he enjoyed and the intellectual connections he was able to make through the arts caused him to become a better student in all of his classes and to be more engaged in his own learning.  From much previous research, we know that when children are involved in the arts they tend to do better in school.

Encourage your child’s interest in the arts.  Expose them to as many different experiences as you can (visual, music, drama, etc.).  You never know when another Frank will emerge.

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Fire Safety

SmokeDetectorby Steven A. Melnick — Since 2007, we change our clocks back to Standard Time from Daylight Savings Time on the first Sunday in November.  As the saying goes, spring ahead, fall back.  So on November 7 at 2:00am, the time changes to 1:00am.  This is the time of year to also change the batteries in your smoke detectors.  Underscored by a recent tragic house fire in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, where one adult and four children ages 2-4 died, the focus on fire safety is all too real.  According to fire investigators, a space heater triggered the fire but the smoke detectors in the home were not in working condition.

The National Fire Protection Association (NFPA) recommends that families should develop and practice a fire escape plan for the home.  The NFPA says that smoke alarms in the home cut the number of deaths by half.  They recommend that you change the batteries in your smoke detectors twice a year or whenever they “chirp” to indicate a low battery.   If you can’t afford smoke detectors, contact your local fire department.  They may know of funds/programs available to help you obtain them.

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Parent-Teacher Conferences…Ask Good Questions

SlateWithAppleby Steven A. Melnick — Picture the familiar scene of visiting your child’s school during Open House or Parent-Teacher Conferences.  Open House is usually a pretty festive occasion.  Parents are walking the halls perusing the bulletin boards and displays of student artwork, compositions, and projects.  You are seeing some familiar faces and, perhaps for the first time, meeting parents of children your child plays with and talks about at home.  Often, but not always, your child might be at your side excitedly pointing out what he/she has been doing in school.  Parent-Teacher Conferences, on the other hand, conjure up memories from our own school years and feels more like being summoned to the Principal’s Office (not that I ever was!!!).  Think of Parent-Teacher Conferences more like the festive occasion but without the crowd!

A Parent-Teacher Conference is a special time for you to find out information about your child’s academic performance and emotional, social, and intellectual development.  It is a time to discover what kinds of activities your child is doing in school and to find out how you can help.  But equally important, it is your opportunity to help the teacher understand your child better so he/she can help your child even more.

Here are some things you should be sure to tell the teacher

  • Health Issues: Is your child diabetic?  Hypoglycemic and need a snack regularly?  Allergic to anything (bee stings, peanuts, etc.)?  Have other diagnosed conditions (e.g., hearing or vision problems, epilepsy)?  The more the teacher knows, the better prepared he/she will be to help your child.
  • Family Issues: Is there anything happening at home that is affecting your child?  Separation?  Divorce?  Has a pet died?  A loved one died?  Is anyone suffering a long-term illness?  Have you moved recently?  Has your child’s closet friend moved?  Has someone lost their job?  Although sometimes hard to discuss, it is important the teacher know anything that might affect your child emotionally.  Often, a teacher can be a source of comfort to the child and help them through a variety of situations.
  • Special Interests: What hobbies, games,sports…etc.? Piano lessons?  Dance?  Gymnastics?  If your child has free time, what does he/she want to do?  Computer games?  A teacher can often use related activities to make learning more interesting to a student who needs some additional help.  Or be able to ask your child questions in the context of his/her special interests to foster understanding.
  • Changes:  What changes do you notice in your child?  Have they suddenly become sulky?  Disobedient?  Fearful?  Excited?  Eager?  Have more friends?  Have fewer friends?  Changes in appetite? Do they want to play outside more or are they shutting themselves in the room more?  Anything you notice that is a change in your child’s normal behavior may be a sign that trouble is brewing at home or in school.  Also notice if your child is seems to be enjoying school more.  In either case, it’s important for the teacher to know.

On the other hand, following are some key questions you should ask the teacher

  1. How is my child performing academically? The important context for this question is not how your child is doing relative to other children, but how you child performs relative to the goals and standards established for his/her age group.
  2. How is your child’s work evaluated? It’s important to understand how your child’s work is graded.  Does the teacher use a lot of tests?  Quizzes?  Hands-on assessments?  Other types of assessments?  How are grades calculated?  How are the teacher’s expectations conveyed to the students?
  3. What can I do at home to help? Does the teacher give homework?  How will I know what is assigned each day?  Are there specific activities you could do to help your child learn better?  How can you use the available reading materials you have in the home?  Much research about schools indicates that when the parents are involved in a child’s education and place importance on learning, the child tends to do better in school.
  4. Does your child get along well with the other children?  Social interactions can be a clue to a child’s happiness or to problems brewing.  Be aware and tuned in.
  5. What resources are available to help your child? Do parents have evening access to computer labs?  Are there laptop loans available?  Library?  Are there any community resources you aren’t aware of?  After-school programs?  While there are many ways to help your child at home, knowing what resources are available will help you make good decisions.

Many parents see parent-teacher conferences as a time to get bad news.  In a survey of more than 5,000 parents, the most frequent reason they give for going to their child’s school was because of a problem (behavior, academic, etc.).  Parent-Teacher Conferences should be a time to collect and provide information to help you child.  It’s a two-way street.

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Be a role model…

Pianoby Steven A. Melnick — When I taught 4th grade, I used to play the piano in my classroom every day–either in the morning as the students came into the room or, most often, in the late afternoon as they were getting ready to go home.  Sometimes we’d sing, sometimes not.  At times I’d play something with a good beat that kept them stepping as they gathered their things and got ready for the bus trip home.  Other times just something soft to quiet their day.  I’d talk with them as they came and went.  I loved to play and never gave much thought to doing it.  It just seemed like the kids enjoyed it, I enjoyed it, what could be better?  As it turns out, being an unexpected role model made it all the sweeter.

At the end of one day toward the end of the school year, George [not his real name] asked if I would allow him to take my place that afternoon and play for the class while they were getting ready to go home.  I was somewhat surprised to learn he had been taking piano lessons but readily agreed.  He did a very nice job and had a grin on his face that I suspect he’s still wearing.  I was proud of him for working up the nerve to play in front of his peers and for his accomplishment of learning to play fairly well for a fourth-grader.  As it turns out, though, that’s only half the story.

During the last week of classes for the school year, George’s mother came to see me in tears.  Naturally, my first thought was, “Oh, geez…what did I do this time?”  She walked up to me, took my hand, and with tears in her eyes said, “I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.”  She went on to tell me that she had been trying to get George to take piano lessons since he was in the third grade.  He wanted no part of it because he had the idea that only “wimps” play the piano.  She told me that George truly enjoyed being in my classroom that year and that he really admired me.  As he saw me play the piano each day and the fun we had doing so, he began to see playing the piano doesn’t make you a wimp.  In fact, he began to think it was pretty cool for a guy to play.  As it turns out, partway into the school year, and quite out of the blue, George went to his mother and asked if he could start taking piano lessons.  She was flabbergasted but readily agreed.  Unknown to me, he took private lessons all year and continued to practice and improve until he felt comfortable enough to offer to play for the class, “…just like Mr. Melnick.”

I’ve never forgotten George and I try to remember just how easy it is to be a role model…and never know it.  Think about the things you do in your daily lives, remember the little ones are watching, and make them proud.  Be a role model.

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