by Steven A. Melnick –The recent suicide of Tyler Clementi at Rutgers University over cyber-bullying has shined an even brighter sad light on the problem of bullying, particularly cyberbullying. Although we often admonish our children to “stand up for themselves” or “don’t be pushed around,” the reality is that bullying wears a child down and the consequences can be devastating.
Bullying isn’t limited to the kind of behavior exhibited by Scut Farkas in the movie, A Christmas Story (“He had yellow eyes! So, help me, God! Yellow eyes!”). Rather, it is a complex pattern of behaviors that can include acts which hurt others both physically and emotionally. Some examples of physical bullying include punching, shoving, and tripping. But kids can also be emotionally bullied. Bullies may talk badly about your child or spread false rumors. Your child might not be let into the “group” or clique. A group of kids might ostracize or gang up on your child or taunt your son or daughter. As parents, we want to wrap our children in a blanket of safety and protect them from the outside world, but it is not possible to do so.
Before computers, cell phones, text messaging, and social networks, children could escape the threat of bullies while wrapped in the warm, safe, comforting atmosphere of home. Today, however, kids are so “connected” to the outside world that there is no longer a safe haven. Cyber-bullying happens online through the Internet or mobile phones. Children can be bombarded with hurtful text messages even while surrounded by loving family at the dining room table. Instant messaging and social networking accounts (e.g., Facebook, Twitter) on their computers make their bedrooms even more vulnerable to constant bullying and harassment.
My son and I talk on the phone nearly every day and have always had a close relationship. I’d like to think he would have talked with me or his mother if he was being bullied–but suppose he was embarrassed by it? Suppose he didn’t want me to know? Suppose he just couldn’t figure a way out? Tyler Clementi’s suicide has caused me to ask a few questions of myself.
- If my son had been bullied in school or cyber-bullied, would he have told me or his mother?
- Would we have been able to spot any signs?
- How could we know?
- If we suspected, how would we help?
The recent tragedy has spurred a host of news articles, TV specials, and other publicity about the multi-faceted problem of bullying and raised awareness. Many schools have active anti-bullying programs that can be effective. I thought it might be helpful to summarize some information and to provide some links to resources that can provide more in-depth help.
Possible warning signs that a child is being bullied:
- Comes home with torn, damaged, or missing pieces of clothing, books, or other belongings;
- Has unexplained cuts, bruises, and scratches;
- Has few, if any, friends with whom he or she spends time;
- Seems afraid of going to school, walking to and from school, riding the school bus, or taking part in organized activities with peers (such as clubs);
- Takes a long, “illogical” route when walking to or from school;
- Has lost interest in school work or suddenly begins to do poorly in school;
- Appears sad, moody, teary, or depressed when he or she comes home;
- Complains frequently of headaches, stomachaches, or other physical ailments;
- Has trouble sleeping or has frequent bad dreams;
- Experiences a loss of appetite;
- Appears anxious and suffers from low self-esteem. (Source: Department of Health and Human Services)
What to do…
If you spot any of the above symptoms or have any other reason to suspect all is not well, talk with your child. Ask direct questions about friends, what they did at school today, how they feel. Talk with your child’s teacher, guidance counselor, or principal to see how he/she is doing in school, what social interactions your child experiences, who his/her circle or friends are. Be involved, talk, and spend time with your child and you’ll be more sensitive to any changes. Check out some of the following resources.
- A website produced by the Department of Health and Human Services, Take a Stand, Lend a Hand: Stop Bullying Now! contains a wealth of information about (1) what kids can do and (2) what adults can do. This is an excellent resource with lots of helpful information. In particular, check out their Tip Sheets. This is a very good site with a lot of information available.
- Kids’ Turn Central provides a number of links to bullying resources for both kids and parents.
- Many states are producing resources to help stop bullying. California, Connecticut, Kentucky, Massachusetts, and Ohio to name a few.
- PACER is the Minnesota Parent Training and Information Center, funded by the U.S. Department of Education’s Office of Special Education Programs. They have a number of free useful handouts (scroll down the page) in PDF format.
- International Bullying Prevention Association has a number of links to articles, websites, books, and other resources. As does the Cyberbullying Research Center.
If you suspect your child is being bullied, follow up. Your love and understanding may save your child from abuse and you and your family from heartache. Don’t ignore the signs. Reach out for help. There is plenty available.
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