Recently I attended an event with a group of friends that was family-oriented–children, parents, grandparents alike. About 20 of us gathered for a picnic where each family contributed the usual potato salad, cheese dip, chips, crackers, along with some more substantive hot dogs, hamburgers, etc. We all helped ourselves from the ample buffet spread out on the picnic table, sat in a circle on the grass or folding chairs and enjoyed each other’s company. It was mostly folks in their 50s and 60s with some of their grown children and a few grandchildren sprinkled in enjoying an afternoon of beautiful weather and pleasant conversation. Our enjoyment was fleeting.
Sally, a very spoiled 6-year old, had been fussing all day about one thing or another–it was too hot, it was too cold, why can’t we go swimming, I want the ball that other kid has, I want to play in traffic… The parents, in soft pleading voices, would tell her they “…really didn’t think that was a good idea,” or they “…would prefer she didn’t.” Never once did they actually say, “No.” Never once did they offer her an alternative choice. As this scenario unravels (and unravel it did), the behavior was disrupting conversation among the adults trying to enjoy the afternoon outdoors and long ceased to be “cute.”
I watched in amazement while Sally got herself a plate and, with her parents’ passive consent and while everyone watched, went around the picnic table literally plopping some of everything on her plate. I don’t mean a simple taste. It was enough food to feed a professional wrestler on a carb binge. But to no one’s surprise, the parents said nothing. Sally, while trying to balance the heavy plate, wobbled over to her mother sitting in a folding chair and started crying that she wanted to sit in a “big person’s chair” rather than at the table set aside for the children. Of course, all conversation in the circle stopped once again as the child threw yet another tantrum. The group was becoming visibly irritated. The parents tried to reason with Sally and threatened to make her go take a nap if she didn’t stop.Everyone there, including Sally, knew it was an idle threat (although we were all secretly hoping).
But the coup de grace came when Sally didn’t get her way and purposely dumped the entire plate of food on the ground in a huff.The adults gasped collectively and the parents finally realized Sally’s behavior was not only inconsiderate and disrespectful to the group, but embarrassing to the parents.Much to everyone’s relief, Sally’s mother walked her away from the group for nap time.Astoundingly, they were both back within 5 minutes because “Sally didn’t want to nap.” and her mother let her sit in a “big person’s chair” to keep her quiet.
Sally learned an important lesson that day. Can you guess what it was?
Sometimes I simply stare in wonder as I see how some parents demonstrate time and again that they have no control over their children. Keep an eye out for children in the grocery store and I’d wager you will see at least one case of a child crying and fussing about something they want and were simply told “No.”
Saying “No” is important and, if said, should be adhered to. But most such situations can be avoided by anticipating them and simply offering children a limited number of choices before any fussing starts. If only Sally’s parents had said, “No, we can’t go to the pool, but we could go over to the pond and skip stones or go for a walk in the woods.” The fussing child in the grocery store could be handled better by saying on the way into the store, “You can pick one thing (or toy or candy bar or…)…whatever you want as long as it costs less than [pick a number]. You pick.” More often than not, they will pick a toy or candy bar and feel good about having had the choice.
Children need routines and boundaries, but as they learn to assert their independence and discover who they are as individuals, they need limited choices.
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