"How was school ?" and other dinnertime conversation

by Steven A. Melnick – When my brother and I were little, you could almost set your watch by when we sat down to eat dinner.  Each evening, when Dad returned from working in the steel mill, dinner was on the table at 4:30pm, promptly.  It was an early dinner time to be sure because Dad got up each morning at 4:45am to go to work.  But it also gave us time to go outside and play in the neighborhood after dinner while it was still daylight and run off some of those calories.  Many of the families in our neighborhood did the same.  Dinnertime was planned each day and the family gathered around the table for good food, conversation about the day’s events and about life.  It was a time to eat, talk, and bond as a family and it seemed like a natural part of our childhood.

As an adult, dinnertime continued to be an important part of our day.  While our son was growing up, my wife, son, and I sat down to eat together each morning for breakfast and each evening for dinner.  Whether it was a carefully prepared home-cooked meal or simply pizza or other take-out food, the important thing was we sat down as a family—regularly—and enjoyed a meal and pleasant conversation.  It was a time to talk about the day’s events, our plans, our hopes, our dreams.  It was an important time to stay in touch with each other’s lives.  To this day, our son still smiles (he’s 34 now) as I say slowly with a raised eyebrow, “How was school?”, a question often asked at the dinner table.  Because I was a teacher in the same school district, he was never quite sure whether or not I knew something about what might have happened that day.  He was an incredibly honest child who told the truth.  But like any young child, he’d rather avoid talking about any trouble he may have gotten into at school if possible.  When I’d ask the question, he was never quite sure if I already knew!  But our conversations weren't limited to school.  We talked about our interests, activities, friends, joys, hopes, and disappointments.

Although it always just seemed like the right thing to do, as it turns out, eating dinner together was good for us!  Researchers have shown time and again that family dinnertime is an important predictor of some very positive social, psychological, and emotional outcomes.  Research show us that children who regularly sit down with family at dinnertime:

• Are typically healthier
• Eat better diets
• Are happier
• Have better communication skills
• Are often closer to their parents and confide more
• Parents are usually more aware of subtle changes in behavior that could signal growing problems
• Preschoolers who eat together with family develop better language skills
• Quality of mealtime conversation is a strong predictor of children’s language and literacy development.

Our dinner table conversations have fostered a life time of communication.  Even though he now lives 2 ½ hours away, my son and I still have father/son talks on the phone each day.  Now isn't that worth having meals together while their young?

Archived Comments

Mark — November 22, 2010

To be honest, I could always tell whether Dad had something on me from the way in which he asked, "How was school?". If it was said in context, as in "So, how was school? Did you have fun? What did you do?", then I knew I was safe. Just chit-chat.

But if it was an unqualified, out-of-the-blue, "How was school?", then I knew he had something on me. I can still feel the pit grow in my stomach when I think about it.

For reasons that to this day elude me, I informed him of his "tell" around sixth or seventh grade. Especially going into high school, it muddied the waters of "how much does he know?" significantly.

--Mark

Katie Meyers — November 22, 2010

A teacher friend of mine gave me a tip to get the "How was school today?" conversation past the one-word answers of "good" or "fine". She recommended using the phrase, "Tell me three things that happened to you today at school". It takes the conversation alot farther.

Steven Melnick — November 22, 2010

I like it. Anything that gets them talking is a good thing.

Panna — November 29, 2010

Mark - your comment makes me smile because when I ask that same question a particular way, Jacob asks, "Did my teacher email you?"

Panna — December 2, 2010

Excellent tip, thanks for sharing. Last night we found out that my son had spent some time writing a donor a thank you letter, that his class had contributed a total of 95 cans of food to the food bank, and that he had gotten a perfect grade on his math quiz. If I had just asked him how school was, he would have happily told me about his math grade but we would have missed out on all the other good stuff. Thanks again for this!